Doubt And The Writer

My lingering doubts about my writing:
1. That my stylistic refinements aren't as refined as I think they are.
2. That my stories are boring to everyone except me.
3. That my ideas lack imagination and originality.
4. That my delivery is too pedestrian.

Sticking your neck out as an author while you still have these kinds of doubts is stressful, and finding out you were right about any of them can be crushing. But the only way to get anywhere is to take the chance.

The sad truth of the matter is there's someone, somewhere, sitting on a better story than mine and they're not getting it out there (or not even writing it in the first place) because they have no confidence. So I have to suck it in and take the niche they didn't fill. At least, that's the writer's gambit: that the audacity to be heard is an undervalued asset that will pay off one day. I imagine everyone who wants to work in this field as a real profession thinks along these lines at some point in their development.

But self-doubt and impostor syndrome are brutal and they don't let you go easily. Putting your work out there when you're a sensitive person is tough going. You have to be resilient and learn to only listen to the criticism that helps you improve. Any criticism that doesn't help you improve is just going to stress you out. It's not worth it. Move along and remind yourself you can't please everyone no matter how good you are.

But- and this is a big caution- there is a lot to learn from criticism and even harsh criticism can be worth its weight in gold. The best writers are sadder but wiser. Don't dismiss criticism right away as useless. Sit on it. Think about it. Ask yourself if it can be applied. Sometimes it'll take years for it to click and when it does it's like a light bulb clicking on.

You'll always be your own harshest critic though. I know I'm my own. I still look at my own work and wonder why I can't write something like some of the other writers I know. You know, the good ones.

Current Project Status

The Linen Butterfly-Novel - Completed Penultimate stylistic revision (submitting today)

The Saboteur- Short Story- Submitted March 26- Pending

Closing Time- Short Story- Submitted April 30- Pending

Merry Christmas

My dreams are full of frightening omens and I'm very nervous about my upcoming surgery.

But for today and tomorrow, I don't have to worry yet. Tonight I'm going back to the church I left months ago for a midnight mass, then tomorrow I'll be cooking my usual Christmas feast to share with my husband Kobi and a new friend we've made in the trials of this year.

Be joyful. Life is short and we seldom live it fully. Merry Christmas.

The Linen Butterfly- PREVIEW!

The bad news is, DAW didn't want my work.
The good news is, because my usual publisher is much more accommodating, I can share this with you!

Here is my Christmas gift to everyone who has put up with my nonsense over the last year!

This preview contains the first three chapters of the novel, which should give you some idea of what to expect without spoiling anything.

I have yet to nail down a release date for this book and the final draft may differ *somewhat* from the text presented here, but this is about as revised and refined as I could get it on my own.

From the cover copy:

Meet Arthur Carrick, Duke of Upcaster. He and his retainer, Sir Balthasar, are fighting to save his dukedom from a scheming courtier, except...

...they're not. The real Arthur and Balthasar are in suspended animation in a cutting-edge immersive virtual reality lab in Seattle, Washington in the year 2036. 

Now it's sink or swim as they navigate the treacherous waters of courtly intrigue amid traitors, schemers, and the Beziards, a heretical sect winning converts among the nobility. They believe their world was created by an evil or insane god. 

One thing's for sure: The lab's owner, Ted Ducasse, is no saint. He's created a World War I simulator that has bled into the other sims. Now the lab's lead tech, Isa Chetal, fights to keep control of the project she started before someone gets killed for real. 

It's happened before.

Lies, greed, quantum computing, and medieval heresy collide under the ominous shadow of World War One in The Linen Butterfly.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Jcag2cnctq30-qO_GP5aOo_7NjDDrtxj/view?usp=sharing

Time To Make My Move

The stamps I ordered for my submission packet arrived, so it's time to get my packet ready. Work on The Linen Butterfly has officially ceased until and unless an editor tells me I need to fix something.

Brushed off my cursive for my SASE. Its been a while. Cursive is fast becoming a dead art. My cursive hand doesn't fit any one style, sort of a leaner, cleaner Spencerian script with elements of D'Nealian.

I'm going to give my cover letter one last pass, then I have to print everything and mail it the first chance I get. My baby's going off to New York!

Finishing Up

I honestly don't feel like I can possibly do much more with "The Linen Butterfly." I've refined it to the point where I'm fatiguing myself trying to find things wrong with it. But there are things I can still fix, and if I let myself I could keep fixing them indefinitely. It's time to put the project to bed and trust in my skill.
I was just thinking tonight how my goals have changed. With "Vimana" I was hoping for a big success from a small publisher. I didn't go huge but there are signs that people definitely noticed me. With "Butterfly" I'm hoping for a small success from a big publisher.
What can I expect? With "Vimana" I set out to write something on the level of what was cutting edge in the late 60s and ended up with something slightly more polished, which is good. But the bar is set much higher nowadays than it was when Dick, Disch, and Lem were ramping things up. SF is much more fiercely competitive.
I've tried to get my ideas, my prose, and my characters all in top form. I've rewritten the story so many times it bears little resemblance to the story it derived from, because I wanted a strong narrative. I worried obsessively about pacing. I went through the manuscript with a fine-toothed comb multiple times even when it was "done" and I'm only walking away from editing now because it's far better than anything I've done to date.
I think my perspective on what I can expect as a writer has changed. A small success with a big publisher suddenly seems plausible when I consider that "Vimana" did pretty well for niche fiction from an indie publisher. It's doable. But I'm intimidated beyond words.
My I Ching readings have predicted a rough ride with a lot of biting my way through, tricky situations, powerful allies whose power is a double-edged sword, and situations where my goals may be temporarily waylaid by miscommunications. One thing they didn't predict was utter failure.
I get the distinct impression that I'm about to unlock a new level, and it's going to be much harder. Great rewards bring great risks. Powerful allies can become powerful enemies. I won't fool myself; if my writing career hits critical mass here and now, this will not be easy.

"Arcana" Anthology Now On Sale!

Check out my story "St. John's Bridge," available now in the short story anthology, "Arcana!" https://www.storenvy.com/products/22227398-arcana-a-tarot-anthology